First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.
This quote would explain my life. At every turn, I have done exactly this. It has been a slow transformation, and one that I thought would have produced so much more.
Putting this into perspective: I am grateful for all that I have. I have much more than I should, perhaps. It is not the material things I am after. I am looking for the thing that defines me. My mark on this world. The place where I belong. It’s hard to believe that I was made to live out my days mopping the same floor, washing the same clothes, and staring out of the same windows.
In the beginning, the saying and doing was easy. It was a matter of survival. I worked hard, and did the things that I was supposed to do. Say it. Do it. Say it. Do it. I accomplished a lot, but in the end my life has not been my own. There is history. There were issues. There is no need for details, because everyone’s life is full of challenges and hardship. We re-evaluate and move on. We know, “this too shall pass.” We will eventually move on. Eventually.
I am at a plateau.
What happens when you don’t know what you want to be anymore?
This is my dilemma.
There are things I need to do and things I want to do, and I am ready to DO them. I am just not able to SAY them. What is the thing that keeps me from feeling fulfilled? Where do I go from here? It’s this stage that paralyzes me. It drives me insane. My wheels are spinning. I am thinking and planning and searching and praying.
I need to be quiet.
I will not be here forever. Things will change. I am fighting to enjoy the calm waters until the wind picks up again.
I could write volumes about the joys and struggles and heartbreak of parenting, but it’s not about them right now. It’s about me. I need to be selfish in order to be a better mother – a better person – for my children. It is in these times of “selfishness” that I have found the courage and strength to find my voice. To SAY what I needed. To DO what we all needed.
In the cycle of struggle and reflection, regret is not an option. I can say that I did my best. I understand that I can not control other people. I can grieve and rebuild.
I am wishing right now that I could wrap this up with a happy ending, like a sitcom. Neat. Simple. An answer that I could have if I could only hear the audience at home yelling at their screens.
It’s only me. My writers are on strike right now…